Well last night I had the pleasure of attending the movie GI Joe. For the first time EVER, I turned my iPhone on in the movie and sent twitter updates throughout the movie. I'll share those with you first and then you'll get an idea of where my review for this movie is about to go: #hasbro you let a whole generation down #gijoe

#gijoe just avalanches the bomb of a movie with a wayans bro

When all else fails, we don't... Sorry #gijoe you're failing

#gijoe was more authentic/genuine with it's 80s cartoons and my backyard action figure fights.

Of course the All American Joes have an attack on the French. Classy #gijoe classy.

Truth is out #gijoe is killing the polar bears! #algore #awkwardmovietruth

Way to go #norton you are #gijoe tough.

Knowing is half the battle. Now you know, don't see Joe. #gijoe

Follow me on Twitter - @mahawkins

GI Joe was just a studio money grab. So glad I saw it for free. The plot line was about as thick as a crepe (French connection purposeful here). The character development was, well it was delightful. Let me wrap up character development with this, the one character who didn't speak was the one who showed the most depth and insight into any of the characters in the movie (note - I consider a movie like this a MOVIE not a FILM - it doesn't warrant the term FILM).

Snake Eyes was the best part of the movie I have to admit. Anytime he got into a fight with his long time nemesis, Storm Shadow, I actually enjoyed their fight scenes. These few and far between moments ended all too often.

The nanobot technology that the Joes were fighting to protect and get back from the clutches of the evil baroness was brutally used on foreign ground. Did the producers not think this through? An ALL AMERICAN movie and the one major city of the world that gets attacked and that you see has massive effects, is Paris, France. Classy. I guess the Americans want to help improve foreign relations with their French friends. Do you think they will sell many seats/DVDs of GI Joe in France?

Besides the lack of plot and poor character development (oh I did forget to mention that Marlon Wayons was in the movie, you may remember him from the stellar showing in White Chicks) the visual effects were way overboard. Everytime the movie tried to move forward it couldn't do it without having some sort of crazy, over the top, probably took forever to render, visual effect for the Joes or Baroness to fly, dive, drive or crash. Please pardon me though, there was one scene in which the baroness drove home in her Aston Martin and needed to share the brand of her car with everyone in the world, thank you product placement. Speaking of product placement, the best was seeing Norton Internet Security hard at work during the flashback scene of a fire fight in East Africa. Way to go Joe! Ticket sales and product placement for PC antivirus software will pull you out of the $150 million ticket price you racked up for this debauchery. And yes the visual effects were just so over the top. I even thought, "they just decided to get the best of the best for VFX that they could and then decided to go find a movie idea that might fit their effects." Well done!

What killed me though was the nemesis of the Joes, the soon to be, the Rising Cobra. Do you remember this guy?


Well he's the evil Cobra!!! So dumb!

Is this just Joseph's attempt of trying to get away from his young, dorky "3rd Rock from the Sun" days?

cobracommander-1 levitt_cobra


So why my hatred and dislike to this movie?

I grew up with GI Joe. I grew up watching it. I grew up playing GI Joes. In fact my brother and I had many battles with our Joes. I remember lining up our yard with string everywhere and running the fist cupped hands of the Joes along the string. I remember twisting the bodies of the Joes till they spun so fast around that they broke into two pieces. I remember burying one to0 many good American Joes in our backyard when their fates were sealed.

Hasbro, you wrecked an iconic figure from my childhood. You took it for a cheap, quick route to box office fame and you will only lose out in the long run. You sold out.

So there you have it, my review of GI Joe in a nutshell.


Matthew A. Hawkins