If you're ever in the mood for a good riot follow these simple step by step tips on how to incite a good jolting riot!
Inciting the Crowd 1) Usually after a disappointing loss or a fabulous win in a sports game, crowds are ready to riot any part of a city. Whether you like sports or not is besides the point, this is about riots. All you need to do is grab the opposing teams t-shirt, jersey or hat (preferably with said fan inside it still), insert one end into an alcoholic or flammable bottle and then light it. Throw it into the middle of a busy street and watch the crowds go crazy.
2) Once said team paraphernalia has begun being burned in the middle of the street, find a nearby public phone and call the police. Use the following terms ONLY: RIOT, FIRE, CROWD, SCARED and hang up immediately. Cell phones are not allowed to be used in this stage for fear of finding you out.
3) Begin yelling at every drunk guy you see. Threaten him, call his girlfriend ugly or ask for her number and then run.
4) Throw bricks, without saying every good riot has a brick pile nearby, throw them into every car windshield of cars you wish you owned. This will also help with angering step 3. Save a brick or two for later.
5) Make public buses block your riot block off. Use step one to help with this. No riot is good if it isn't a block party.
6) Call your old fraternity and let them know of the riot. Mention: fire, girls, sports and party. They will come no questions asked.
7) When the riot police show up be sure to have your bricks from step 4 ready. I recommend breaking the bricks in half, they are easier to grip that way. Stand behind the rioting crowd and heave the brick halves over the crowd and onto the riot police. This will cause the police to stomp louder and smack their riot shields with their night sticks. VERY COOL!
Last Step) Get out of Dodge. Make sure to have an escape route planned. Get home, turn on the TV and watch your creation on the late news.
WAIVER** Satire is a form of comedic performance. Make wise the definition of satire once reading this blog post.